NegraFlaca

We've moved!

2009-07-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

Pa Mi Gente! I've been representing all weekend!

2009-03-01T11:05:00.000-08:00

Half Dominican is better than no Dominican! (My niece Kaya and nephew Jordan)

After all Barack has done....

2009-02-19T17:16:00.001-08:00

Ever since November 4, 2008, that has been my catchphrase when I see people of color just make gosh darn fools of themselves. Accompanied, of course, by the requisite lip purse and dissaproving head shake.

Examples:

1) Octamom
2) Chris Brown and Rihanna
3) Katt Williams losing his damn mind

But, sometimes, you can't help but be proud!

Stanky Leggg

Durrty Booty

AMAZING!!!!

2009-02-15T11:01:00.000-08:00

What do you do with your Umberela-ela-ela

2009-02-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

I was researching the Chris Brown/Rhianna 'embarrassment to black people after all Barack's done' debacle (I'm on Team Rhianna, mostly because I like Umbrella more than I like No Air) I found this comment this simple bitch left one someone else's blog. It gets AMAZING at the end....

enjoy!

"As a women, I feel if you hit a man, why shouldnt you get hit back. Oh, just because hes a man. No, If you could dish it, you should be able to take it. them 2 should just be friends. they are very young. and both of them are going to see and meet, plenty of people. I heard it was Leona Lewis that text message Chris. Rihanna should not get jealous. Leona Lewis just came to this country, she has a boyfriend. maybe she just wanted to talk to Chris. I like both of them. Rihanna has to stop being so jealous. I heard when his fans ask him for his autograph or want to go back stage. She gets upset. Rihanna you must realize this is this kid bread & butter. Its the fans that are making you and him rich. I feel you guys should just be friends. I remember yrs ago, I smashed my boyfriends windows out of his car, because I caught him at a hotel with a female. I was arrested. and the judge told me I had to pay for his windows. I paid like $5.00 a month. Now I look back and say "what a fool I was. how could I have ever went with him. sometimes we look back at some of the things we say and do, and say to ourselves, how could I? Rihanna & Chris should just be friends. You guys both have a chance with your careers, but who knows next time."

The Remnant!

2009-01-30T10:51:00.001-08:00

My roommate Eri and I have been kinda gansta, health-style, since the new year. And I don't know, it just feels different this time. This time there are no gimmicky diets, we're not being competitive. We're actually doing this the RIGHT way and we're encouraging each other along the way. Especially via our sticker system that monitors our workouts, food, and water intake

But this week, a we both arrived at a milestone that I will never forget. I went to the gym after work, as usual, and realized that there was no line for the treadmill, I didn't have to wait for my favorite EFX. THE GYM WAS EMPTY!!! That's when I knew it, "This is what it feels like. When the new years resolution rush is over and the Real McCoys have the gym all to themselves" I texted eri to tell her what happened. She said the same thing happened at her gym.

WE ARE THE REMNANT!

Gimme Gimme Gimme

2009-01-19T10:37:00.000-08:00

If you know me well, you know my unnatural love of everything karaoke. It all, of course, began in Korea and the Saturday night Norebang sessions with all the homies. Happily, we've brought this tradition across the great pond.

You can imagine my elation when the youth pastor of my new church announced that we were having karaoke night this past weekend! There had been one before at our church but I missed it to go to my homie Aaron Beaumont's CD release (WHICH WAS AMAZING!)But this Saturday, I had convinced myself, was my time to shine! As the new girl, I would impress them with the karaoke skills and they would love me forever.

As per usual, I was one of the first ones to sign up to sing a song, and promptly selected one of my favorite Abba songs from the list. And to be honest, I KILLED IT! People could not take their eyes off me. There was arm waving, singing along, smiles throughout the entire room and, at the very end, a HUGE round of applause! I was in heaven! Until I came to the full realization that these were the words the 13 year olds at church could not stop singing.

Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me take the shadows away
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight
Take me to from the darkness to the break of the day

Apparently, during yesterday's fund raising car wash, they sang that for 3 hours straight. No one knows if they've yet to stop.

I guess I made an impression. :/

BLOG, HOMIES, BLOG

2008-11-18T13:52:00.000-08:00

It's been a while,

And it's not that I haven't thought about blogging. I've actually been blogging quite a bit, in my head... check out these good ones:

Election-erection

How Jael's Making Obama Babies on the regular

The Camera Killed the Political Star

Honestly, run a google images search on Hillary Clinton. ANYONE would run from that crazy looking bitch. Compare it to a google images search for Barack Obama: there goes that election-erection again

Sarah Palin For VP

I don't exactly remember what I mind-blogged for this one, but it was something to the tune of "You gotta be fucking kidding me"

Believe me, I've been wanting you all to read about how super political I've become, and I've been DYING to write about California and the total lack of fashion awareness outside of LA, but some force has been keeping me from blogger. I don't know.

In that same vein, I just want to make this appeal: Please, Homies, Please blog. I understand how it is- our lives are changing and we're busier and poorer than ever. Blogging is probably the last thing on our minds. That's why we need to blog: Even though we might not see each other every day, we can still share our food/booger/job/significant other/pet stories. We can still be connected

So Please BLOG HOMIES BLOG!!!

This lady scares the shit outta me!

2008-11-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

now, THIS movie, I'd watch

2008-07-08T04:46:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up saying,

"Mikey, we only have 6 relmns in this world. We can't afford to lose one!"

that must've been a kick ass dream

Is that a cheesestake in your pocket?

2008-07-01T06:08:00.000-07:00

To commemorate the Independence of our great nation, my friends Hannah, Sally and I are going to take a day trip to Philadelphia on Sunday July 6.

Being the one who can most loosely use the term "employed" I've taken it upon myself to form the itinerary. To help with this most selfless endeavour, I've scoured tons of online articles searching for suggestions as to what spots to hit on a Day in Philly. I found a great one at travel.yahoo.com. But trumping the article's excellent advice is a comment left by laiqahmad786, a loving Pakistani newlywed who wants nothing more than to make his honeymoon to America a memorable experience for his new bride. Mrs. laiqahmad786 you're a lucky, lucky girl!

laiqahmad786:
i m come to used the hotel and plz tel me hotel charges tell me ok laiq
shakoori international listining culb
paikistan

laiqahmad786
i m come to honey moon in my wife

priceless!

The Real McCain

2008-06-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

Mr. Darcy (kiss) Mr. Darcy (kiss) Mr. Darcy (doonk)

2008-05-27T11:09:00.001-07:00

It is a truth universally acknowlegded, that every woman in posession of hormones, MUST eventually fall madly in love with Mr. Darcy, whether she wants to or not.

Such is the case with my cousin Allie, who is the closest thing I have to a little sister. As such, I've selflessly taken it upon myself to teach her the ways of the world. Including, of course, trying to instill a love of Pride and Prejudice and all other things Janes Austen.

However, Allie's been reticent to accept her eventual fate. And having only just forgiven her for falling asleep during the 5 hour BBC version our beloved book, I was surprised to recieve the following text messages from her

(Text Messages between Allie [in Puerto Rico awaiting the start of summer semester]and Jael [New York, working, apparently])

Allie:
I miss my cousin Jael so I'm gonna watch pride and prejudice right now in her honor. Or Maybe I'm just really bored so hopefully this will help me fall asleep.

Jael:
oh snap! the 5 hour one or the new one? I watched the new one last night

Allie:
Hell no 5 hours. The new one. Its actually a tad bit humorous. I'm not sayin I'm startin to like it

Jael:
Whatever, you love it. Is it for class?

Allie:
No. I don't start until tomorrow

Allie:
What an asshole! Mr darcy.

Jael:
LOL. I thought you hated it. Why are you getting emotionally involved?

Allie:
Because I can relate to Elizabeth and her relationship with her dad

Jael:
You should read the book it's even better

Allie:
He confessed he loves her! oh my gah!

Jael:
that's the BEST SCENE EVER!!!

Allie:
My jaw is on the ground. He made it seem like he was gonna kiss her and then left. I hate this movie lol

Allie:
oh my gah! He smiled at her for the first time ever!

Allie:
Jael, he did it all her for! he did it all for her!

Allie:
Best

Allie:
Movie

Allie:
EVER!

My work here is done.

True Love (not the boots, though)

2008-05-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

What I learned from Papi.

2008-05-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

My Dad, host of Power 1310's El Bembe de la Manana, and one of the coolest guys I know, is a staunch, rather militant supporter of Barack Obama. Every now and then during his call-in show, he comes across a caller who says something racist, in reference to the Obama campaign. But Papi is pretty quick to diffuse the situation, and return the show to a more positive tone. When asked why he doesn't more forcefully shun these callers, Papi manages to convince you that their sentiments are that of a minority of the Hispanic population, more specifically, an uneducated and probably disenfranchised cohort, who should be pitied, rather than abhorred. And rather than play into their game, he chooses to challenge their logic. But one can't help but wonder if these comments affect this man, with a black mother and a black daughter, more than he lets on.

Then today, I found this article: Racism alarms Obama's Backers. At first I was shocked and angered that in this century, people can cite someone being a, "half-breed" as a reason not to vote for them. But then I began to understand why the Obama campaign makes it a point to underplay the "race issue" and why Papi feels the way he feel. Yes, this is sad and yes, it should make you angry, but it's also laughable and it should make you wonder. Rather than hate these people, and launch a counter attack, we should take the time to educate and enlighten.

Because in the end Hope trumps fear, Knowledge trumps ignorance, Love trumps hatred.

Giving the gift of wisdom, one hopeless child at a time!

2008-05-10T06:27:00.001-07:00

This is an excerpt from a recent conversation I had with one of the boys I tutor--

Jael: Seriously, Joey*, you need to focus, I'm not going over this again.
Joey: Jael, I have a question for you.
Jael: Shoot.
Joey: This is serious, though.
Jael: Ok, what is it?
Joey: If a guys sticks it in a girl, but takes it out right away, is he still a virgin?
Jael: WHAT?!
Joey: Like, you stick it in, but nothing happens, cause he takes it back out real quick. Is he still a virgin?
Jael: I don't think so, Joe.
Joey: (look of absolute horror crosses his face, slowly replaced by a massive smile) Alllrrriigghhtt!

*name has been changed

There's one born every minute...

2008-05-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

This morning, I got an email from the Body Shop informing me that as a card-carrying "Love Your Body" member, I was entitled to a free lavender body wash and 20%off my entire purchase, should I choose to buy anything. So I went during my lunch hour, just to look.

Then the sales lady showed me their new makeup line, of which I had to get the shimmery eye shadow (set of 4), and a glossy lipstick (it was a toss-up between raspberry and caramel, I got caramel). Then she informed me that if I spend just 5 more dollars I can get 2 points on my card, bringing me up to a total of 4 points, which means a free $15 gift. Well, try finding something at the Body Shop for $5 that you can't get at Target for $1. Being financially conscious, I opted instead for the Seaweed Night Cream (to go of course with the Seaweed Day Cream, the Seaweed Cleanser and the Seaweed Toner that I have at home). My trip, "just to look" ended up in a $40 purchase (I'm on a budget!). I went back to work fuming, but looking fabulous from trying on all the new makeup. But honestly, they really know how to get you, who knew 1 little email was going to cost me so much. I swore that from that moment on, I wasn't going to let myself get swindled and hoodwinked like that! I am, Jael, mistress of my own destiny and wallet and I can totally control myself when these temptations come, now that I know the warning signs!

But tomorrow, I'm going back for the fucking raspberry.

I don't even have a clever title, this just made my day!

2008-05-05T09:28:00.001-07:00

This one's for Ellen and her offspring

2008-04-30T09:02:00.001-07:00

Prairie skirts are in fashion this season

2008-04-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

Polygamist Wives' Clothing Looks to Past By HILLARY RHODES,AP

I just have a feeling that when Hillary Rhodes of the Associate Press first entered Journalism 101 on the first day of her freshman year of college and sat in the front row, this was not the vision she had for her future.

But I just had to share this article because of the irony, hilarity and elitism of it all. And the fact that at this point in history, this is the news I choose to focus on.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!

All you need is....

2008-04-16T11:56:00.001-07:00

This was an email I got from a former student in Korea who I correspond with regularly. It just got me thinking....

Today, I had a term project.

My topic was Interracial marriage in Korea.

I'll show to you.

Have you ever thought about Interracail marriage?
and talked to your parents about it? especially i want to ask to women.
Maybe , their parents said "No!"

Actually I really want to get married with foreigner.
Before I started studying in this institute, I didn't think about the issue.
After I'm learning language, my thought was changing little by litte.
I think learning language is getting know about the cultures.

While I preparing the essay.
I asked to my mother.
First I asked, "Mommy, cna i have a foreign boy friend?"
She said "Yes, if you can, but it will be very difficult. because you are not a good English speaker."
I got a hurt a little. I know it just kidding.
And I asked one more question.
"How about get married with foreigner?"
she said "No!"
she can speak English well, and my father and brother too.
It is not problem.
But she thought, different culture is hard to understand.
When the different cultures meet, it can be a trouble.
But sometimes it can be an advantage.
But she didn't know.

I think that the most important thing in marriage is love.
It wasn’t popular in Korea, but, today interracial marriage has becoming more common than the past.
I think one of the main reasons is that women’s condition has changed a lot to choose spouses.
Once we learned, we should consider many things to choose a spouse, characteristic, financial condition, educational background, family status and same race.
And one of the considering factors is added.
It’s love.
And it becomes number one factor to select women’s spouses.
When love places first factor, all others become useless and meaningless when we make a decision about marriage.
Different cultures and languages can be cause many troubles on interracial marriages.
But women’s point of view, Korea has a conservative culture and Confucianism country.
Much housework’s should be done by wives.
But I heard many western countries are progressive and have “lady first” thinking.
And western culture is quite personal and husband and wife oriented not family oriented.
When I watch marriage situation drama, “Love and War,” I knew the relationship between parents-in-law could be harsh and cause problems

According to Korea culture, most of men think, women have to do all of housework and they have to take care of their parent-in-law.
In the Bible, according to Genesis chapter3 verse 16 to 19,
To be brief, God gave us punishment.
To the women, increase her pains in childbearing.
And her desire will be for her husband, and he will over her.
To the men, he must not eat of it, because in the ground because of him, though painful toil he will eat of it all the days of his life.
So, it means, men’s have to work, and do the women have to take care of her and husband family and be ruled over by him?
It’s unfair.
Yeh, I know a few family didn’t do like that.
Most of Korean women are worried about it.
After they get married, they should have to quit their work.
But some foreigner’s are different.
They usually think all of housework must share each other.
And they don’t have to take care of their parent-in-law.
Because of their thought, most foreigners have individualism.
Due to this thought, they don’t have any heavy duty.

So I think we can find many advantages on women respect cultures.
The Korean women who want interracial marriage don’t consider financial conditions,
But, just decide marrying in Belief of a husband’s love.

It was tooooo long.

What do you think about it?

HOW DARE THEY???!!!

2008-04-11T09:44:00.000-07:00

I'M SO ANGRY! I'M SO ANGRY!

I GOT TAGGED!!!

2008-04-10T17:42:00.001-07:00

Ok, so when this whole tag phase started I was a little offended that no one had tagged me. But then I noticed that I was actually tagged about a month ago on mila's blog, I just didn't pay attention. SO HERE GOES!!! I'M SUPER EXCITED!!!

1. IPOD ear buds: hell if I know where the IPOD is. That's ok, it's not mine it's my sister's and she hasn't asked for it back

2. Um-ba-rella-ella-ella

3. Green Walleta- my favorite thing ever-because it took me so long to find a wallet that I REALLY wanted. So much better than that $30 crap at urban (which sucks)

4. Lipgloss from the Body Shop

5. Lotion from the Body Shop (I F'ing love the body shop and everything that they stand for!)

6. Thank You for Smoking by Christopher Buckley- one of the best books I've ever read and if matthew and ellen and that pretencious writer at the New York Times are correct, and they usually are, the reason that I'm still single.

7. Verizon NV- My new appendage. Why I need to check my email in 7 minute intervals, I'll never know BUT GOD BLESS VERIZON!!!!

8. My black pen and Red notebook- recent acquisition to write down my thoughts, feeling, do to lists. But I mostly use it to write funny things I hear on the train. Here's my favorite:

friday april 4, 2008- 7:27pm- the g train

"When a man ask you what yo' favorite position is you say downtown! be real girl and you will have yourself a jolly ol' time! alright?" -Lady holding a Mickey mouse balloon and the hand of a 6 year old

9. My camera case- I always carry it in case there's something interesting to take a picture of, but then I always forget I have it.

10. And all that fits in my bitchin' Brooklyn Bag

I would tag, but I don't know if there's anyone left.

On the C

2008-04-04T19:55:00.000-07:00

We were all minding our own business, trying desperatly to avoid contact with one another, when when she entered the train. She was gorgeous, at least 250lbs, 5'11 dressed to the nines- the heels of the stilletto boots quivering at 65 degree angles. She was a big girl, but she knew how to dress to impress. The ironic thing was that it was not her clothing that impressed us C-Train Commuters at 8:43 in the morning.

Ok, I've thought of a million segues into this, but nothing quite grasp the concept other than just blurting it out. That woman had THE BIGGEST ASS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN LIFE. One only seen in music videos and that only Sir Mix-a-lot could sing about. This was a legendary, park-your-bike-in, set-your-drink-on ASS! AMAZING!

I peeled my eyes away from her only to see all the fellow commuters staring at her ass in as much amazement as I was. And when we got to her stop those same eyes followed her out as each cheeck jumped under her skirt as if independant from each other.

For a second, there was complete silence on the train. I think the others, like me, were trying to take it all in and register what they had just seen. We all just sat there, catatonic, until a homeless man so eloquently broke the silence when he said, "Well, damn!"

I heart New York

2008-04-02T13:37:00.001-07:00

I was reading a journal entry from back in January. I was weeks into my job search and frustrated to no end. That day I visited the New York Public Library on 6th Ave to write a couple cover letters, and also as an excuse to get out of the house. I found myself overwhelmed, not just with my task, with with the size, history and all around awesomeness of the building. I remember resenting feeling like a tourist in my own home town. I wanted SO badly to have a reason to stay, but it didn't seem like it was going to happen. I felt so small.

I guess that's what's so great about keeping a journal, even though I might be the worst person at it. But you have the opportunity to look back at the problems that you thought were SO HUGE and see how insignificant they've become. And, if you're smart enough, you'll remember that when faced with new challenges.

See, if I had my way, I'd be in Syracuse, NY, slaving away in someones lab, but that's not what God wanted. And though I kicked, screamed, bitched and moaned, I've been reminded once again, that God kinda has the upper hand when it comes to seeing the future and knowing what's going to work out.

So, I don't know what's coming next (well, california is, but you know what I mean), but I'm excited as HELL!

But for now, when I see a hippy walking arm and arm with a 80 year old socialite, a 60 year old korean man dressed like justin timberlake, and his blond 20 year old girlfriend, and a white lady with a red afro, like I did today, I'll just smile and say, GOD I LOVE NEW YORK!

Bad Day

2008-04-01T12:44:00.001-07:00

Today during lunch I felt like the world was coming to an end. I was walking down spring street, fighting tears. I’d just had the worst day in a really really long time. What happened? I was on my way out to lunch when an important client, and two phone calls came in at the same time. I had to hold my lunch back five minutes. When I finally got out the elevator I was spent! I walked a couple blocks bemoaning my existence, until on the corner of Spring and Wooster I had the sudden urge to scream “WHAT THE FUCK?! Jael, what’s wrong with you? Being held up for five minutes is REALLY your biggest problem in the world?”

Is it just me, or are there others out there like me? For about 5 minutes I had felt that I was CLEARLY victimized by a client and my telephone. A year ago I was in drowning in a financial bog that I swore I would never make it out alive. 10 months ago at a previous job, one of my clients had a suicide attempt. Was 5 minutes really worth getting into a stink about?! Why is it that when we’re going through, we’re begging God to get us out of this storm, only to complain that the sun is shining way too bright in the calm. I don’t know how God puts up with it.

Fruity Pebbles

2008-03-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

I’m finally at that age when everyone seems to be getting married. When I say everyone, I mean EVERYONE but me. And frankly, I’m surprised at my attitude. See, I had a feeling that this was going to happen. I’ve always expected to be the last one of my friends who was alone and fat, but I sort of expected some sort of mental breakdown to accompany the arrival of this day. I mean, as surprising at it sounds, I’m genuinely happy for my friends and I don’t constantly check myself in the mirror for a humpback or a gimpy leg that will forever keep me fat and alone (apologies to all my faithful fat, lonely gimpy-legged humpbacked readers) My one concern is, why am I so unconcerned? By my age, my mother had 6 years of marriage under her belt, 2 children and an accidental child on the horizon (me). Meanwhile, I’m at Pathmark buying Fruity Pebbles because no one can tell me I can’t have them. ( I do carry them home in a cloth bag, which is VERY adult, thank you very much!). But while I’m munching on my fruity pebbles, I can’t help but wonder if there’s something else I should be aspiring to? Why am I not acting my age? How does one act 24? Instead of rolling my eyes at mothers who bring crying babies on airplanes, should I smile at them politely while my ovaries yearn for their good reproductive fortune? Listen, I’m not saying I don’t want domestic life. In some sort of dark distant future, I do want it! But for now, these fruity pebbles are delicious! Is that so wrong?

Negras who throw temper tantrums and the God who loves them...

2008-01-29T21:05:00.000-08:00

Today, spiritually, I hit a wall. I was angry and tired. It'd been more than a year that I was ministering to others, but felt so far removed from God. I felt like everything I earnestly asked God for, I got the opposite of. I felt like my will was the opposite of his. Like I had no control over my life, so what's the point of prayer? So I sat on my floor, threw things and told God exactly how I felt.

Then a pang of guilt swept over me. How could I do that? I have an amazing life. I have too much food, clothes, education. I travel too much. Who was I to complain? But on the other hand, this is what I was feeling. Why should I feel guilty for letting it out? Is it so impossible to relate with God that I can't really express how I feel?

Then I went on Youtube and literally just happened upon this video.

I guess sometimes God is not so subtle.

Is it that He's finally speaking to me? Or that I'm finally listening?

Shame

2008-01-29T21:04:00.000-08:00

During Bush's State of the Union address I was watching Season 1 of Desperate Housewives. What were you doing?

Well....

2008-01-24T07:42:00.000-08:00

You should grab some tissues

Well done, white people, well done

2008-01-17T16:26:00.000-08:00

A genius named Dave Chappelle once said that anytime black people do something amazing, white people steal it. That's why we still have Li'l Mama.

here are two examples when, you know what, I really don't mind

AMERICA! AMERICA!

2008-01-16T06:35:00.000-08:00

I'M BACK, BABY!

After 6 months to be away from American soil, I'm happy to be here once again. While I was never particularly patriotic, there are certain inalienable rights that I've found I couldn't live without. English, for example. Don't get me wrong I miss Korea HARDCORE, and every other second I'm tempted to use all of my savings to get on a plane back to Seoul. but I fully believe that at this moment I'm where I'm meant to be: BROOKLYN, gangstas!

Now, it's not to say that being back i'm not experiencing reverse culture-shock. And now that i've gotten over the jet lag (3 weeks later) I can do my favorite thing in the world: MAKE A LIST!

15 things I missed in the past 6 months:

1. White strips that dissolve (AMAZING)
2. Vivica fox has a sex tape (ME TOO! Impact not what I expected, I will release it again in 6 months)
3. Britney is crazy (actually, we knew that, by we I mean the world)
4. New York picked a crazy white boy (Taylor Made- there's someone for everyone)
5. Amy Whinehouse is still famous/alive/a woman
6. Maury hasn't won the Nobel prize for Amazingness in talk show history (Am I the only one who recognizes genius?!?!)
7. Prince William is back together with his girlfriend (I know that's not America, but this is still upsetting)
8. The Dow Jones Insdutrial Average closes above 14,000 for the first time in history (actually, I got that off wiki, I don't know what the hell that means)
9. RED SOXS WIN THE WORLD SERIES!!! (I watched it from the other end, but it's not the same!)
10. Don't tase me, bro! (JAJAJAJAJAJAJA)
11. Jamie Lynn is pregnant (who's Jamie Lynn?)
12.Everyone is running for President (and has sex tapes)
13. Dog the bounty hunter is a racist and not black (surprise, surprise)
14. Oprah is running for president (and I'm voting for her!)
15. High School Musical 2 (I don't know how to feel)

Nice Man

2007-11-28T16:22:00.000-08:00

Last night I was wondering if I'd ever seen a man get kicked in the balls... and then I remebered this little story....

I love teaching, but I especially love teaching other people spanish. I'm very proud of my culture and feel that the best way to share it with others it to, of course, teach them all the Spanish expletives that I know.

My favorite is puto. It comes from the word, puta, meaning bitch/whore/female dog, but the adding the "o" at the end, makes it masculine, which I don't think technically has a meaning other than just being vulgar.

One day I was feeling rather educational, as I often do, so I taught our church secretary, Smith, the word puto. I just happened to omit the real meaning the word, and I just happen to add on that it meant nice man, and that the very next time he saw my friend and spanish-speaking coworker Jairus he should call him puto at the top of his lungs, because spanish speakers LOVE that.

I was lucky enough to be in the room when it happened. So yea, I've seen a man get kicked in the balls.

sphinctor what? sphinctor who?

2007-11-25T20:20:00.000-08:00

At Namyoung we hug. In a country where hugging is reserved only for immediate family in only the most extreme circumstances, I happened to be placed at the school where we hug. For everything.

This phenomena is due largely to the works of Pastor Yoon Seong Hyeon. Or as we call him Pastor Saint (not for any reason except for that is what his korean name translates into English.) Saint spend a significant amount of time in New Zealand and in Australia and picked up a few habits along the way, sitting on floors (unheard of in this country) and, of course, the hugging

But that's not what this blog is about. It's about how I got Saint to explain what a sphincter is this is a little long, so you may want to put the kids to bed first.

Korean Lesson:
In the Korean language there is such thing as a double consonant. Let me give you an example: The word for room is bang but the word for bread is bbang. the latter is said as if someone were to punch you in the stomach while you were saying the word.

Now, through a very dear friend, I found out that the korean word for sphincter is ddont ggo. (like don't go, if you get punched in the stomach twice). got it. good.

As I am leaving korea for good in a month, my pastor has been trying to convince me to extend my contract en corea. Usually when he passes me in the hall he say, "don't go!" Last sabbath, I seized the golden opportunity I had been waiting for!

After seeing him during church he gave me his usual "don't go!"

This is how the rest of the conversation went...

Jael: Pastor, Sean told me that don't go is a bad word in Korean, could it be true?
Saint: Really don't go? hmmm (thinks about it) don't go.... OH! ddont ggo!
Jael: Yeah. Pastor, what in the world could it mean.
Saint: oh haha (blushes) it's the exact point... you know... back here (points back there) where it comes out when you (gunts like he's dookying)
Jael: Huh?
Saint: You know, (grunts like it's a big one)where is comes out. the exact point.
Jael: OH! I see. Boy that Sean is terrible! Thanks Pastor, happy sabbath! (smiles and walks away)

Teacher, do you like ice cream

2007-09-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

I hate my schedule this term. I start at 7am in the morning, and end at 9:10pm (with a rediculously long break in between). I'm expected to be happy and cheerful this entire time (bitches). However, God has granted me an awesome 8:10 class. They are all really funny and energetic which gets me through that difficult final hour.

There are three students in particular: Jack, Danny and Son. Danny is a 20 year old college student and the class clown. Jack is an office worker in his late 20/early 30s, who should really know better and Son is their shy and quiet friend, who should really find a better crowd to hang out with.

For some reason, the first two get their kicks by reminding me that they are single (there's also this perception here that black girls are uber sexual, where would they get that idea)while poor Son just blushes and smiles. Their comments are funny at first, but then usually get old and annoying, so I pretend that I don't hear them.

But I couldn't ignore this one.

Danny: Teacher, do you like ice cream?
me: Yes, Danny, I love ice cream.
Danny: Well, he's chocolate, I'm strawberry and he's vanilla. Pick a flavor.
Jack: This is an important question, so we would really appreciate an answer.
Son: (Blushes and smiles)

I couldn't hate. That was really clever for level 1

I'm SOOO official it's not even funny

2007-09-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

I kind of had this fantasy that being a missionary in Korea would some how automatically make me thin. Like, I'd just lose 30 lbs without even trying. I mean look at Day and Ellen. Well, what those bitches forgot to mention is that they work their asses off at the gym. We all know day can get down on a treadmill, and Ellen's significant other is a personal trainer. But silly me thought I could have all the rich and kim that my heart desired (then take a nap) and when I woke up the lbs would just be gone. Well that wasn't true. Boy was my face red.

So, in august, I decided to get a gym membership, EXPENSIVE AS HELL!!! $45 for the month- you think that would make me go? NOPE. In the entire month of august I went 3 time. That's $15 a visit. So, september, I turned over a new leaf. No more of this being fat shit. I'm doing a sort of biggest loser competition with 2 teachers from school. And let me tell you, i'm winning. I'm low carb (which is hard to pull off in Korea) I've been going to the gym every afternoon. And on wednesday Jin, the gym guy said "Hi, Jael, nice to see you again!" That mean I'm an official gym rat if the owner of the gym knows my name. I'm so offical it's not even funny (hence the title).

And, according to Day, my breasts have reduced in size, which is a good sign, cause I've already lost 2 kilos (which is 4.4 lbs) HURRAH FOR THE OFFICIAL GYM RAT!!!!

Teacher, are you in love? POP POP POP

2007-08-31T01:47:00.000-07:00

If you don't know about South Korea in the summer time. Let me school you. It's humid. Really really humid. Meaning, you walk out of the shower and dry yourself off and three seconds later you're wet. (with sweat, for those of you who didn't understand). Consequently, the second I stepped off the airplane, my forehead decided to revolt.

Jael's forehead: What?! You didn't tell me the weather was going to be like this! You bitch, I tought we had an understanding that you needed pre-approval before coming to a place like. That's it! You asked for it! Come on guys! Do your thing!

1000 pimple army: YAY!

But that's not the point of this blog. The following conversation is:

Sylvia: Teacher! Are you in love?
Jael: No, Sylvia, I don't think so. Why?
Sylvia: Your temple. (gets uncomfortably close to Jael's forehead) pop, pop, pop.
Jael: (Backing away) They're called pimples, Sylvia. Sit down, please. We have to start.
Sylvia: In Korea, they say that when you fall in love your hormones change. (gets closer) And teacher, you're temple, pop, pop, pop.
Jael: Thank you, Sylvia. Sit down.

I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!!!!

Are you wearing your mother's panties?

2007-08-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

(Sexy)Sean is one of my favorite boys in TIC (Total immersion course at the language school I teach at-- he basically stays at the school from 9-5:30 every day learning english). He's really smart, loves everything about the english language and is kinda a big brother to everyone in the group.

Here's a recent conversation I had with him...

(Jael walks into the room wearing a dress)

Sean: Wow, Jael, you look beautiful today! Why are you wearing a dress?
Jael: Oh, I haven't done laundry in a while and all I have left is really fancy stuff
Sean: (huge smile on face) so... are you... wearing your mother's panties?
Jael: Excuse me?!
Sean: Are you... wearing... you're mother's panties (looks at Jael like she's an idiot)
Jael: Why are you asking me that?!
Sean: Because I saw friends yesterday and Rachel says she wears her mother's panties when she doesn't do laundry. So... are you wearing your mother's panties?
Jael: OH!! It's granny panties! And you're not allowed to ask me that!
Sean: (realizes what he just said, and blushes)

Letter

2007-05-27T19:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Jael,
When you win the Oscar for best original screenplay you will thank me...

For you Mother:
"Honestly Jael, you should really hurry up and have children young. Then you can gain even more weight and have gastric bypass surgery!"

For your best guy friend:
(On the phone with the girl he's not dating, but 'talking to', and who you suspect he's fucking)
"What? Why are you jealous? I'm just with Jael... BELIEVE ME, you have NOTHING to worry about!"

For your boss:
"Oh it was TODAY you were going to leave early? Can you just quickly fix these for tomorrow's conference call. THANKS you're the BEST!"

For your brother:
"oh, you're really going to wear that? Alright then, you do you."

Love Always,
GOD

P.S. You should really call me more often ;)

Why I have friends...

2007-05-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

because they make it ok to be me. read this

Yo soy (insert name here), la fea

2007-04-29T08:55:00.000-07:00

Jassi Jaissi Koi Nahin
Esti Ha'mechoeret
Verlibt in Berlin
Ne Rodis' Krasivoy
La Fea mas Bella
Lotte
Yo Soy Bea
Ugly betty
Maria, I Asximi

What do all these have in common? They are the remake of Columbian telenovela, Yo soy Betty, la fea which ran succesfully from 1999-2000 to rave reviews from both critics and viewer. Despite the obvious differences in cultural nuances, these 9, count them, there are 9, remakes have essentially the same storyline: An intelligent, yet socially challengened and physically unattractive young woman, in her early to late twneties (depending on the series) has trouble finding a job because, despite her outstanding curriculum vitae, she fails to impress any potential employer because of her looks (or lack thereof) She eventually finds employment in the most unlikliest of places, be it at a fashion magazine, a modeling agency or a posh advertising firm (again, this is dependant on the series.)
Typically, she is placed as the secretary of a young urban, very attractive professional, with an equally attractive girlfriend (who, through creative camera angles and menacing music, we are quickly informed will be the romantic rival of our Betty...or Maria... or Lotte or whatever)
While first disgusted by her looks, her boss eventually learns to appreciate her work ethic, kind heart and loyalty to him. But he also possesses a sinister side, one capable of making her believe that he loves her to get something out of her (money, loyalty, etc). While unaware of his plans, our heroine is on cloud 9, and we're right up there with her. He loves her. He HAS to.
But all of a sudden she finds out that the dream she had been living is all a lie. Her heart breaks and ours does for her. He never really loved her, he was only using her. Suddenly, our girl, who was made to feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, realizes how ugly she really is.
Why is it that in at least 9 different countries with 9 different cultures the same storyline seems to hit some sort of chord that translates into the series being an instant hit? The answer is obvious- because we all love a Cinderella story. Except that we secretly resent the fact that Cinderella does not have upperlip hair, a unibrow and severe myopia. OF COURSE the prince would fall in love with her floor-scrubbing ass. She's Cinderella! The fairest of them all! but what about the rest of us who can't be Cinderella cause we wear size nine shoes? What about the 73% of us that wear a size 14 or above and can't find ways to measure up?

I say to all you Betty's, Maria's, Jassi's, Lisa's, Lotte's, Letti's, Bea's, etc. Keep your heads up:

Eventually, our sinister young urban, very attractive professional, with an equally attractive girlfriend realizes that he really IS in love with our girl, (BEFORE she gets the makeover, no less). But she, being the kick ass heroine that she is gets the makeover anyway, just so she can fuck with his head. Until finally, in the last 3 episodes, she lets him out of his misery.

AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

(now enjoy the lovely montage of all the versions, set, of course, to Britney Spears)

oh f*ck!

2007-04-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

amazing

2007-02-28T19:32:00.001-08:00

I'm buying into this Bridget Jones thing...let me tell you why

2007-01-22T04:48:00.000-08:00

Upon careful research and consideration…(please tell me if I’m wrong here, because I might just be projecting)… I find that at least 99% of the human population, even the most stable ones, (and I’m sure they exist) have the same biggest fear: ending up alone and fat. While I happen to have mastered both these arts, it still shocks me how we all secretly share this sentiment but no one really talks about it. Maybe that’s why we feel lost and somewhat naked when we forget our cell phones at home or why “you’ve got mail” sends chills up our spines. It validates the fact that somewhere out there, there are people who are just as fucked up as I am, and maybe, just maybe, I can trick one of them to falling in love with me before he finds out that I (insert vice here: i.e. bleach my mustache hairs/slept with his brother or sister or both/am secretly nauseated by the smell of old people). Only to be preoccupied with keeping that secret once I finally have Mr. Perfect(ly fucked up) in my death grip.

Now that I’ve let it slip that I’m a romantic allow me to recount the top three reasons why I will, in fact, end up fat and alone:

1) One of my best friends told me that if I graduate from college without an engagement ring that I might as well give up my vagina for lost (He said this when he was in a relationship with a girl who left his ass after about 3 weeks, and he ended up graduating without “an engagement ring” as well. Hmm…I wonder if his logic applies to penises as well)

2) The day I returned home from college, my mother told me “you really need to start going to the gym again because fat people don’t get married” (It sounded even worse in Spanish)

3) I was set up on a blind date once and I found out that it didn’t work out because the guy “doesn’t like black girls, especially if they’re fat” (but listening to techno and living with your parents is SO COOL)

Ok, kids, now it’s your turn to make your list!

Bridget Jones

2007-01-21T16:24:00.000-08:00

Two of my best friends just recently told me that they think I'm just like Bridget Jones. While she's, of course, one of my favorite literary and cinematic characters, I couldn't help but think: WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! Bridget is a fat, man-crazy, neurotic twit who's self-esteem hangs on the possibility that a man, albeit a hot man, will love her hopeless ass.

hmm, maybe I AM Bridget Jones.

WELCOME TO THE YEAR OF JAEL

2007-01-09T17:30:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure what the implications of that are, but I just know that this is THE YEAR that I figure it out, and by december everyone will say, damn! this was Jael's year. it was the year of Jael.

the end

Adrian the Bread

2006-12-14T19:39:00.000-08:00

My cousin Adrian once spent a summer with us in the United States. It so happed to be the summer that my brother was going through the "let's rhyme everyone's name phase" (IE Jael the Bell, Jonathan Bonathan) He named cousin, Adrian the pan, but Adrian, because of his love of every thing america, insisted to be called Adrian the Bread. That's how I'll remember him, Adrian the bread.

Thanks to everyone who praid for my family, and sorry to all of you whose phone calls I ignored because I just didn't want to deal with anyone.

I think what I got out of this experience is that I don't get God sometimes, and that makes me angry sometimes, but in the end God is always going to be God, and God is always going to have an answer that makes so much sense that whatever suffering I feel now is going to pale in comparison to his plan.

Until I know what that is, I'll lovingly remember, Adrian the Bread.

PS. The film "The Good Shepard" with Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie was partly shot in the Dominican Republic. Adrian the Bread answered a casting call and got a roll as an extra, as a CIA agent. Check it out, maybe you'll see him.

Jael of Little Faith

2006-12-06T19:46:00.000-08:00

Today at work I got a call that my cousin Adrian had died. About 3 weeks ago, Adrian was in a car accident, and had been in a coma ever since. Earlier this week, he finally woke up and was speaking and reacting well. All of a sudden, yesterday he had starting having convulsions and took a turn for the worse. Finally today, I hear news that he died. Well, after hours of just sitting around crying with my family, and in the care of AMAZING people from my church, we got a call from my uncle, that my cousin WASN'T dead. He had little brain activity, but that now it was looking alot better. Through the grapevine it had become that he was brain dead. His doctors in the dominican republic say that the next 24 hours are vital, and we'll see what happens. All of a sudden someone suggested prayer, and the first thing that popped out of my mouth was saying to my sister, "I can't believe they're hanging on to false hope." That's when I realized. I trust God to get me to help me with the GRE's and with Aps and Recs and get me into the right school, but when it comes to the impossible, I'm 'Jael of Little Faith'

So I'm just asking for you guys to pray that for my cousin, and for my faith, whatever the outcome. If there was ever a time for God to prove me wrong, this is it.

jy

postsecret

2006-12-04T16:13:00.000-08:00

Why?! Why?! Why?!

2006-11-30T19:25:00.000-08:00

yesterday I decided to treat myself for being a monster at the gym and I went to whole food and bought myself a teeny tiney single serving of Keylime pie. IT WAS AMAZING and I , of course, look at the calories on the package before eating it: 160 calories (insignificant). How about today I saw the package and it turned out that I read the wrong line. It was really 160 CALORIES FROM FAT!!! The whole thing is 400 CALORIES!!!! WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?!?!

But you know what, the cleaning lady at the gym, Mirtha, knows my name, I think that's saying something.

Christmas Present to Jael

2006-11-26T17:26:00.000-08:00

Hi guys,
For Christmas for me, all I want you guys to do is follow this link

http://freemacbookpro.com/index.php?referral=635626

and complete 1 offer. That's it! This way I can get a macbook. Offers are pretty cool and cheap, usually, you only pay for shipping and handling, like $6-7 bucks, this is all I want for Christmas!

Thanks guys, I love you.

(P.S. If you want me to do the same for you, I totally will!)

I hate Holiday

2006-11-26T15:29:00.000-08:00

The greeting card and retail business came up with this other holiday that starts the week before thanksgiving (when the radio stations start playing holiday music, which is AWESOME!) and ends the day after new years… And it’s called (fanfare), Holiday, because no one can seem to bring themselves to actually say Christ. But that’s not my beef, so feel free to join in the gift-giving Non-Christians, it’s all good. My beef is, that Holiday come RIGHT before a potential tax refund, and RIGHT before all those great after-holiday sales. So you’re either forced to sell your first born child’s ovaries to a barren socialite to pay for all those expensive presents or sweat it out at 5 in the morning on the day after thanksgiving with 500 other idiots.

Therefore due to lack of fund, I decided to start knitting (last week) so that, instead of spending loads of cash on actual presents, I would make them scarves and little cards that say, “A donation has been made in your name to the Saint Jude foundation.” Which is not entirely false, because at CVS you can buy little paper balloons for a dollar on which you can write the name of a loved-one and have it taped in the stores’ window and I was planning on buying one for each family member, and all the money ACTUALLY goes to St. Judes, but I digress. So far, in a week. I’ve managed to make a hairband, which could actually become a fashion statement, if I don’t say so myself.

If that wasn’t bad enough there’s the realization that Holiday is actually for lovers. Case in point, last Holiday my family decided that we would each get presents for the kids, as usual, but that the adults would do Secret Santa. While my gift was awesome, everyone but me had an extra gift from their significant other, and me, being the only single person left in the world, I only got 1 gift. I certainly don’t wish to be married at this point in my life, but a girl could use an extra present on Holiday, (and a little tap, just a little one).

HAPPY HOLIDAY EVERYONE!

Lt. Ehren Watada...AMAZING MAN...check out the website...be angry

2006-11-21T09:32:00.000-08:00

www.thankyoult.org

Amazing day!

2006-11-20T18:38:00.000-08:00

Dietwise- AMAZING DAY!

Workoutwise- AMAZING DAY!

Workwise- AMAZING DAY!

Sometimes, when you're at the gym, you just have to fart.

2006-11-15T09:16:00.000-08:00

On Monday Dee gave me a vital piece of advice. If you're sick from your chest up (ie. a runny nose, cough) you CAN work out, If you're sick below your chest (corre coree, the runs) DO NOT WORK OUT. That really bursted my bubble beacuse I had used my little cough as an excuse not to even look in the direction to the gym this week. So FINE, this morning I woke up at 4:40, woke my sister up, so that we could be at the gym by 5. Well, I now understand the "below the chest" thing, because about 20 minutes into my work out, my stomach made a noise I had never heard it make before. I recognized it as a STRONG urge to fart. But how could I? There were about 20, not so happy, sleep deprived people around me, how dare I contaminate their workout air, they were losing so much air already. Well, my stomach spoke to me again, and it was mad as hell. It said, "Jael, either you let the fart out on your own terms or I will push it out for you. ERGO: this is how you let out a fart at the gym.

1. On whatever machine you're on, SLOW DOWN YOUR PACE. It's a scientific fact that the speed of the fart is directly related to the speed in which you are working out. So, do yourself a favor, don't worry that those around you will think you're weak for slowing down, slow down to warm up/cool down speed!
2. Gently cough and release between 20 and 25% of the gas within you. Remember, this will be slow, but slow equals slient. And if it's silent (even though it might be deadly) you can always blame it on someone else.
3. Repeat step 2 three to four more times, or until all of the gas is out of your stomach.
4. Look at the person on the machine next to you as if they had just said that the holocaust was a hoax. This way, those around you will think that this person is responsible for the new rancid smell. (*Note: the “you smelt it you dealt it” rule still applies here, so this may backfire on you. Use with caution.)

I hope that this tutorial has been helpful. Questions and comments are welcome.

best quote EVER

2006-11-12T18:59:00.000-08:00

I saw this quotes on myspace somewhere....

"I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk" HAHAHAHAHA

now I'm just blogging for the sake of blogging

2006-11-09T14:35:00.000-08:00

I've been doing really well... I'm on my way to the gym now. I have no time because of GRE studying and it's sabado joven this weekend.

alright, I love you all. Except those of you I hate.

Pa' fuera telaranas!

2006-11-05T17:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Bitches,
Sorry. I haven't posted in a while....

Have you ever worked out angry at the world? well I recommend it! I burned off 1,000 calories at the gym in less than an hour and a half, my day was that bad. Today, I discovered that I have about $1000 less in my bank account than I thought I did (that's a significant chunk of change), instead of running to a pint of haggen daas, as per usual, I ran to the gym, because Dee told me to get my fat, lazy ass to the gym or I was going to DIE! (check out my myspace, I told you she'd be an asset).

Back to being angry at the world-- I now understand that there are things that I can't control. (plenty of things) but there are other things that I can... one of those being whether to sit in my room wallowing in my own self pity, or going to the gym and kicking ass. I choose the latter. I've let myself boldly go where no jael has gone before, I am freaking hot, (somewhere inside this mess) and I freaking deserve better than I'm giving myself. If I sound militant, IT BECAUSE I AM!

I also have a new theme song, and here are the lyrics.

Ella by Bebe

Ella sa cansao de tirar la toalla
se va quitando poco a poco telarañas
No ha dormido esta noche pero no esta cansada
no miro ningún espejo pero se siente to’ guapa
Hoy ella sa puesto color en las pestañas
hoy le gusta su sonrisa, no se siente una extraña
hoy sueña lo que quiere sin preocuparse por nada
hoy es una mujé que se da cuenta de su alma

CORO: Hoy vas a descubrir que el mundo es solo para ti
que nadie puede hacerte daño, nadie puede hacerte daño
Hoy vas a comprender que el miedo se puede romper con un solo portazo.
Hoy vas a hacer reir porque tus ojos se han cansado de ser llanto, de ser llanto
Hoy vas a conseguir reirte hasta de ti y ver que lo has logrado...

Hoy vas a ser la mujé que te dé la gana de ser
Hoy te vas a querer como nadie ta sabio queré
Hoy vas a mirar pa’lante que pa atrás ya te dolio bastante
Una mujé valiente, una mujé sonriente mira como pasa
Hoy nacio la mujé perfecta que esperaban ha roto sin pudores, las reglas marcadas
Hoy a calzado tacones para hacer sonar sus pasos
Hoy sabe que su vida nunca mas será un fracaso
(Coro again)

Bitches, I am empowered! As such, I choose not to take my measurement. It might bring me down.

JY

Christmas-like miracles

2006-10-26T19:51:00.000-07:00

Today is the day of christmas-like miracles...my mother, the woman who delights in any excuse to call me fat, told me I looked thinner.

Her exact words were, "Mija, tu te ve' ma' flaca!... pero tienes que bajar esa barriga."

YES!

hey...I tried

2006-10-25T20:00:00.000-07:00

today I convinced myself to go to the gym because I told myself that if I work out, i'd be allowed to eat as many calories as I burned off. Because, of course, after working my ass off, I would NEVER eat that much.

how about au contraire, mon frere? This bitch threw done. But at least this bitch went, huh.

HAPPY THIRD BIRTHDAY KAYA!!!

Motivation

2006-10-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

I'm currently having imaginary affairs with 2 men from my gym simultaneously...

1. Paco- a hispanic male who comes into the gym after work dressed in 3-piece suits, looks hot in both work and workOUT clothes. (aka Paco con Saco)

2. John- african american male- looks like John legend but he has a pony tail (it doesn't sound as hot as it actually is). He spends most of his time in the weight training section and everytime he lifts a weight he goes arrrrrrrrgh, kinda like a pirate.

Every girl needs motivation.

Results (week two)

2006-10-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

Weight: 195.5 (-2.5lbs) (Finally!!! Finally!!! FINALLY!!!!)
Bust: 43in (-.5")
Waist: 41 in (-1)
Hips: 43 in (-1")
Thighs: R: 27 in (-0") L: 27.5 in (+.5")(HOW HOW HOW DID I GAIN HALF AN INCH???!!!)Arms: R:14 in (-0") L: 14 in (0") (No sleeveless for Jael.... yet!!!)

I haven't kept up with my blog in a couple of days because I've been all about www.sparkpeople.com, I really can't say enough, they have points, trophies, piegraphs, grocery lists and SO MUCH MORE!!! Do yourself a favor and check it out.Last week

I went to the gym 4 days instead of 5-- who are you to judge?, I DON'T HAVE A PINKIETOE NAIL!!!! However, I did see AMAZING results. I think that the best thing is that I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, naked, and said, "I'm not a box anymore. I'M NOT A BOX ANYMORE!!!"
I found a new trick to get me through my workout. I pretend that I'm the sexiest woman in the room and workout accordingly, (shaking my booty and listening to maneater by nelly furtado) How about this is now my favorite thing in the world!
So! so far:
Total LBS Lost: 2.5 (that's a total of an 8750 calories deficit!!!)
Total Inches list: 8.5

I'm afriggingmazing!

Good luck skinny bitches!!!

I went...dammit

2006-10-18T18:35:00.000-07:00

Life's a bitch. Just when I start enjoying going to the gym and experiencing what a runner's high is-- I kill my pinkie toe. I left my weight out yesterday to remind myself to TURBO YOGA and literally split open my toe!

I almost didn't make it to the gym, but I went, a little begrudendly and I ended up enjoying it. And I got to hang out with my gym buddy (Yil's dad). Thank GOD for the efx (little to no impact!)

I think it might work out for the best because 50 minutes on the efx burns more calories than 30 min on the efx and 20 on the treadmill. I'll just get hotter faster.

I have to go to bed because I have Bible study with the girls tomorrow night, that means I HAVE to workout in the am. GN nigs! peace!

The importance of a pinkie toe

2006-10-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

Last night, I set out my weights to remind myself that it's tuesday, and time for IRON YOGA. Well, the alarm sounds at 5am, I jump out of bed then BAM! I stub my left pinkie toe on my weights. The pain is unbearable, which makes me angry (what a freaking slap in the face, stupid weights). I go back to bed (after, of course, peeing), only to wake up to find little drops of blood on the floor in my room and in the bathroom. I OPENED MY FRIGGING PINKIE TOE!!! I could only do efx today (no impact) and half assed IRON YOGA because of the pain. But on the other hand, I've never had a sports injury before.

The 7 people you meet in the gym...

2006-10-16T16:03:00.000-07:00

1. The gangsta girls- who wouldn't dream of working out without their hair and nails did, a full face of makeup and bling (including a gawdy necklace reading something to the effect of: Papo and Yulissa 4-EVER!)

2. Ugly in the face/Hottie in the Body- the ex fat girl you know worked her ass off to get where she is today, but as it turns out, she doesn't have a pretty face.

3. The Marathoner- the person who gets on the treadmill next to you just when you start to feel confident, only to run 7 miles in 20 minutes, as you spew snot out of your eyes at 4 miles an hour, and then has the nerve to say, "Oof, that was a good warm up"

4. The Veggie Stoner- The comparative literature major at the local university with the hemp workout clothes, who asks you for an extra scrunchie to pull back his dreadlocks in return for some of his post-workout meusli mix.

5. The Newbie- You, 5 lbs ago, when you first started going to the gym regularly. You try to feel bad for her when her efx beeps then shuts off every 5 minutes, but you really feel smug because she's the gym equivalent of a tourist, (you're a local) and that just makes you better.

6.Little Ms. Perfection- The girl who never seems to break a sweat, even though she spends about 8 hours at the gym and has abs you can bounce a quater off of. She probably dates #3 and every man in the joint wants to spot her on the weight machines. #5 can't stop staring at her, #2 hates her hard.

7. The chunky negrita who has surprising stamina, and gets so gangsta on the efx and the treadmill it looks as though she's on a mission- That's me. Nice to meet you.

Jy-Results! (Posted yesterday on the ayqueflaca blog)

2006-10-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

I had an almost perfect week, I worked out 5 days last week and did strength training for 3 of the 5 days. (Sunday- Thursday) and I ate fairly well on those 5 days.
I sort of have this dilusional dream that calories during the Sabbath don't really count, so I pretty much GO NUTS during the holy Sabbath hours, but then it creates a momentum that I can't really stop until I get my shit together Sunday night/Monday morning.
But now I'm back in business. I wasn't able to make it to the gym today (there was a flavor of love marathon and the finale is in 20 minutes! So I couldn't in good conscious leave the house) so I did thing called turbo yoga or power yoga, pretty much it's yoga with weights which KICKED MY ASS and I was able to do it in the comfort of my own home and still watch about 10 hours of flavor flav!!!

SO! Here are my vital stats in the second week:
Weight: 202 (STILL?! WHY? WHY? WHY?!)
Bust: 43.5in (-1.5" MY BOOBS ARE SMALLER!!!! HURRAH!!!!)
Waist: 42 in (-1.5" YES YES YES!!!)
Hips: 44 in (-1")
Thighs: R: 27 in (-.5") L: 27 in (-1")(Finally BALANCE!!!)
Arms: R:14 in (-0") L: 14.5 in (-1")

I've lost 6.5 inches in 1 week!!!! While this probably has alot more to do with what time of the month it is (Sorry, Espinaca) I think that those results also have at least a LITTLE to do with me working my ass off all week. And, I found out that muscle has memory, so if you were in shape at 0ne point in your life (which I was not too long ago, sort of) you'll get back into shape alot quicker that it too you the first time. YEAH!!!

Good luck skinny bitches!!! hasta la semana que viene!

hmph

2006-10-12T18:27:00.000-07:00

incredibly tired....just got back from the gym...want to go to sleep. have to wake up tomorrow at 5. almost a perfect week

God is good!

2006-10-11T18:25:00.000-07:00

A couple minutes ago I was sprawled on my bed on the phone with my sister (recovering from a GANGSTA half hour on the treadmill) when I saw the bottom of my yellow Forever 21 bag, and written on the bottom was "John 3:16" and, if you know me, you know that I love covert Christianity in the mainstream. How about I immediatly went to their website and planning on buying about $250 of clothing, accesories etc. Except, I don't have any money, but when I do I WILL SUPPORT THIS MINISTRY!!! It turns out that the owner (Don Chang, or similarly asian name, is incredibly religious and still manages to make hoochie clothes! HURRAH!!!!) It's about time someone made Christianity sexy!!!!

I digress...
Last night on two different unrelated ocassion, I found something that changed my life forever. Here it is: It's possible to eat not enought as to prevent you from losing weight!!! THIS IS AMAZING!!!! That means I need to eat MORE MORE MORE!!! I love this, because I literally have been starving myself. There have been days when I've been running on 500 calories and working out like a mad woman and yet WEIGHT NOT BUDGING!!!! That's because I've been starving, then binging, then starving, then binging. And when I binge I always forget to purge and then it never works out for me. My metabolism my be like, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME?!?!?!"
So I hear that the key is whatever your goal weight is (140) add a 0 to is (1400) and that is the amount of calories I need to be consuming so that my body feel like it's dying. 1400 is not too bad, a nigg can through down with that amount.

Food consumption (Keeping in mind my new fountain of knowledge and the fact that I have to make up for a couple of lost calories)

Breakfast:
Blueberry Muffin (heating with a little butter) 490 calories

Lunch:
Chicken Pad Thai 600 calories

Dinner:
2 leanies (veggie hot dog) 300 calores

1390 calories! I'M FRIGGING AWESOME!!!!

Workout:
I had a little trouble waking up this morning. Actually, I called Eri (all the way in MD) so that she'll wake up and go to the gym, but we both ended up rolling back over and going back to sleep. But I decided that I wasn't going to have it, and I went for an hour after work and got a little gangsta on the treadmill. Well. I have to get to bed soon (after the Biggest Loser) so that I can actually wake up and go to the gym.

PEACE!!!!

On a roll

2006-10-10T18:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I was a little emotional today so I decided to binge on something. I chose sushi because all the japanese I know are incredibly thin, so, I figure, a roll must be like, what?, 3 calories. Well, I just googled it, and it turns out that a roll (I had a california, a spicy tuny and a philly) can be between 140-350 EACH! I'm going to assume that it's in the 140 range, because seriously, those calories were consumed in ignorance! IGNORANCE!

Other than that my day was great! I wasn't able to pull myself out of bed at 5 am, but I did at 6 am, and I was able to strength train and to do a half hour on the efx. What sucked about that was that I didn't have time to blowdry this morning, and going curly with my new short hair is not my best fashion trend--(I looked a little like side show bob today--sideshow chic)

I've noticed that at the gym the only people in the efx section are me and the knewly retired men. Although, my nee friend Dale's calves are killer. But I really need to find a workout machine that's more young urban professional.

Breakfast: of course, special k and fat free soy milk

Lunch: a couple left, over soggy pieces of last nights cucmber sandwhiches

Snack: Smart pop popcorn and crackers

Dinner: Sushi roll debacle. (DAMMIT!!!)

But whatever, even beyonce has a bad day. It's all about allocation of calories. I'll see what I can do tomorrow. Well, goodnight. I want no excuses to waking up tomorrow.

ANOTHER GOOD DAY!!!

2006-10-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

Today was another excellent day! I went to the gym and I was right about that efx machine! It was a breeze today because I was on one that was NOT broken. That's always a good thing.
So tomorrow's workout is going to be kind of tough, because I'm going back to work, so I really have to keep this going.... but I totally believe in ME!

Breakdown for today:

Breakfast:
Bowl of Special K with red berries and fat free soy milk

Lernch:
String cheese, wheat things, grapes and smart pop popcorn
(um not the healthiest thing, but I had a cocktail/bible study party for the girls in my church and I knew that I would eat alot then, so I was trying to allocate calories, I'll do better tomorrow I promise!)

Dinner:
Cream cheese and cucumber sandwhich, 4 martinis (virgin-- I counted about 250 calories- that's what I meant about allocating), and a small sliver of chocolate cake (BAD BAD BAD-- but a really SMALL sliver).

My workout was fantastic-- I did 30 minutes on the efx, which really was a breeze! Then I did intervals on the treadmill. I don't have the stamina to run a 10 minute mile at one time (I did before I became MORBIDLY OBESE-- less than a year ago). But this is what I do now, until I can build up the stamina:

5 minutes on 3.5mph
sprint for 1 min 7 mph
recover for 3 min at 3.5mph
repeat the cycle 5-6 times

In the beginning, I was totally like, this is TOO EASY!!! But by the 4th cycle I was about to die and I had to convince myself to do the 5th and final cycle, but it worked out well. I was a mess for about 5 minutes in the locker room afterwards, but I'm looking forward to when it's so easy I can sprint for 20 minutes straight!!!

Another thing that I found out today that TOTALLY AWESOME is that muscle has memory. WHICH MEANS that I will build muscle mass really quickly, because just a few months ago I was incredibly muscular and thin (well not thin, but thinner and still very muscular)

Plan for tomorrow:
Strenght Train the same from yesterday and 30-60 min of cardio. I should go to bed. UP AND AT 'EM at 5am!

PEACE!

Finally got back up

2006-10-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

I just began a blog with a couple of friends from college to track our weightloss effort. But I don't want to let negraflaca die, so, as that other blog (ayqueflaca.blogspot.com) will hold weekly and monthly update, this will continue to be my day to day effort tracking system.

Here are my vital stats (written last night around 7pm):

DAMN, I wasn't ready for that jelly!!!!
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 202
Bust: 45 in
Waist: 43.5 in
Hips: 45 in
Thighs: R: 27.5 in L: 28 in
Arms: R:14 in L: 15.5 in

Before pic

So that's it. This is the picture that made me go DAMN!!! I gotta do something. But I'm totally sure that I can because I've been heavier than this and I got down to 180, and I know I can totally do it all over again and then some.

My Last Hurrah!:
Last night I had my last hurrah, something to commemorate the beginning of this effort at a life change. I had a turkey melt from friendly's and a chocolate bundt cake from starbucks. (AMAZING!!!) But that's it! Of course I'll have my little rewards during my life change, BUT in moderation.

TODAY:It was hard getting started today, it was just a lazy day! I ate healthy all day though:

Breakfast: 2 hard boil eggs and a bowl of special K with soy milk

Lunch:Turkey and lettuce wraps

Dinner (I'll have it in about 20 minutes):Rice with salmon

HOW HEALTHY IS THAT?!?!

Around 4pm, I was finally able to get my sht together and I started doing strenght training (The plan from last month's fitness magazine which begins with a little core training then it has a some circuit training, that was a little easy in the beginning until you begin the circuit again)
After that I went to the gym, with the intention of working out and hour (30 min on the efx and 30 min of the tradmil) however, while on the efx I felt that I was going to PASS THE HELL OUT!!! Which was really odd, because I had done that same workout a million times before (just not consistently and not coupled with an amazingly healthy diet, that's why I am so fat now). Well, it turns out that I was on the efx that was out of order and ups to doulbe resistance (so my level 5 was really was level 10!) And even though I was EXAHUSTED after the half hour was over, I burned about 550 calories in half an hour! I can't wait to go to the gym again tomorrow (only on a different efx machine). Well, it's time for my sensible dinner.

Fell off the wagon...

2006-08-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a coffee colonic. No it's not the delicious drink from Dunkin Donuts. It it pure nazi-level toture. You are asked to lay down on the board laid out between the toilet and a chair, you are then directed to lime a slim cylindric instrument (oiled, of course) into you...ass... and are pumped with gallons of mysterious dark liquid. Now I knew that things could come out of there, but in? That's just unnatural! Then I proceded to...evacuate what I believe could be the solution to this nation's oil deficit. I think I've chosen to black out the proceding of the next hour, not eve listening to Nelly Furtado could cure me. But I emerge, as does the pheonix, a NEW WOMAN!!!! My tummy was flat! My cheeks rouged! I was in HEAVEN!!!! This morning I woke with a new bounce in my step... I must've lost 5, 10 lbs! As I got on the scale, I set it at 200, (I was optimistic, yet cautious) The bar went straight to the bottom. HURRAH HURRAH!!! I have broken the barrier!!! In the 200 NO MORE!!! With a grin, I slide the weight to where it says 150, and play around with the little weight, 199, the bar shoots up. WHAT?! WHAT HAVE I DONE?! But 200 was still too much. I decided to compromise. 199.5 a perfect balance. I was a little dissapointed. After having relesed fertalizer for an hour straight the night before, I was sure I had lost more than 1.5 lbs.

That dissapointment, plus stress at work caused me to have a turkey grinder for lunch, after already having eaten my sensible brakfast. So I fell off the wagon one me. Who care?! Beyonce would pick herself right back up and that's what I'm going to do. LONG LIVE THE LIMONADA!! I will continue... 4 days and 7.5lbs lighter, it can't get no better!

PS I heard that Janet Jackson would have coffee colonics when she was trying to lose weight. Maybe I misjugded it. ok, just 1 more time.

I don't think you're ready for this jelly

2006-08-24T18:26:00.000-07:00

I recently heard that Beyonce lost 20lbs in 10 days on a lemonade diet/cleansefor her recent roll in some movie.
Here's how it works...
Special Lemonade:
1 cup water
2 tablespoons of lemonade
1 tablespoon of maple syrup
1/10 table spoon of Cheyenne pepper

That's it. That's all you have all day everyday for 10 days.

Supporters claim that it detoxes your system, or some junk, and blah blah blah blah.

Here's how i think it really works, you're having basically 0 calories. Yet, you're boosting your metabolism with the cheyanne pepper, spiking up your blood sugar with the maple syrup, all with a delicious lemony flavor.

But who gives a crap. If I lose weight fast, keep it coming.

So I decided to try it beginning with lunch on Monday August 21, 2006-- I had had a muffin and a mimosa for breakfast (it was to benefit a food pantry in providence, ri--so it was for a good cause. Then comensed my diet. Well, 24 hrs later. I was 2lbs lighter. On wednesday I had lost another lbs and today another 2. That's a total of 5 lbs from Moday- Thursday. I think that my secret is that i've chosen to modify the diet

In the morning I have a sensible breakfast: about 500 calories (to keep up my metabolism, and give me energy to work out)

For example, this morning I did about 20 minutes of strenght training, then I had 2 hard boiled eggs, 1 1/2 cups of special K and 1 cup soy milk. Then drink drink drink. After work I went on the efx for 50 minutes and burned a total of 710 calories.

I feel like I wish I could chew something-- but other than that it works out great! There are some who might say that this is incredible unhealthy: but so is putting anorexic models on fashion magazine covers, so i'm just buying into the hype, like a good Young Urban Professional should

The fact of the matter is, on monday I weight 206lbs (yes, 206 lbs at 5'6") and today I weight 201. Long live LEMONADE!!!