Letter

Dear Jael,
When you win the Oscar for best original screenplay you will thank me...

For you Mother:
"Honestly Jael, you should really hurry up and have children young. Then you can gain even more weight and have gastric bypass surgery!"

For your best guy friend:
(On the phone with the girl he's not dating, but 'talking to', and who you suspect he's fucking)
"What? Why are you jealous? I'm just with Jael... BELIEVE ME, you have NOTHING to worry about!"

For your boss:
"Oh it was TODAY you were going to leave early? Can you just quickly fix these for tomorrow's conference call. THANKS you're the BEST!"

For your brother:
"oh, you're really going to wear that? Alright then, you do you."

Love Always,
GOD

P.S. You should really call me more often ;)

Why I have friends...

because they make it ok to be me. read this

Yo soy (insert name here), la fea

Jassi Jaissi Koi Nahin
Esti Ha'mechoeret
Verlibt in Berlin
Ne Rodis' Krasivoy
La Fea mas Bella
Lotte
Yo Soy Bea
Ugly betty
Maria, I Asximi

What do all these have in common? They are the remake of Columbian telenovela, Yo soy Betty, la fea which ran succesfully from 1999-2000 to rave reviews from both critics and viewer. Despite the obvious differences in cultural nuances, these 9, count them, there are 9, remakes have essentially the same storyline: An intelligent, yet socially challengened and physically unattractive young woman, in her early to late twneties (depending on the series) has trouble finding a job because, despite her outstanding curriculum vitae, she fails to impress any potential employer because of her looks (or lack thereof) She eventually finds employment in the most unlikliest of places, be it at a fashion magazine, a modeling agency or a posh advertising firm (again, this is dependant on the series.)
Typically, she is placed as the secretary of a young urban, very attractive professional, with an equally attractive girlfriend (who, through creative camera angles and menacing music, we are quickly informed will be the romantic rival of our Betty...or Maria... or Lotte or whatever)
While first disgusted by her looks, her boss eventually learns to appreciate her work ethic, kind heart and loyalty to him. But he also possesses a sinister side, one capable of making her believe that he loves her to get something out of her (money, loyalty, etc). While unaware of his plans, our heroine is on cloud 9, and we're right up there with her. He loves her. He HAS to.
But all of a sudden she finds out that the dream she had been living is all a lie. Her heart breaks and ours does for her. He never really loved her, he was only using her. Suddenly, our girl, who was made to feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, realizes how ugly she really is.
Why is it that in at least 9 different countries with 9 different cultures the same storyline seems to hit some sort of chord that translates into the series being an instant hit? The answer is obvious- because we all love a Cinderella story. Except that we secretly resent the fact that Cinderella does not have upperlip hair, a unibrow and severe myopia. OF COURSE the prince would fall in love with her floor-scrubbing ass. She's Cinderella! The fairest of them all! but what about the rest of us who can't be Cinderella cause we wear size nine shoes? What about the 73% of us that wear a size 14 or above and can't find ways to measure up?

I say to all you Betty's, Maria's, Jassi's, Lisa's, Lotte's, Letti's, Bea's, etc. Keep your heads up:

Eventually, our sinister young urban, very attractive professional, with an equally attractive girlfriend realizes that he really IS in love with our girl, (BEFORE she gets the makeover, no less). But she, being the kick ass heroine that she is gets the makeover anyway, just so she can fuck with his head. Until finally, in the last 3 episodes, she lets him out of his misery.


AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

(now enjoy the lovely montage of all the versions, set, of course, to Britney Spears)

oh f*ck!

amazing

I'm buying into this Bridget Jones thing...let me tell you why

Upon careful research and consideration…(please tell me if I’m wrong here, because I might just be projecting)… I find that at least 99% of the human population, even the most stable ones, (and I’m sure they exist) have the same biggest fear: ending up alone and fat. While I happen to have mastered both these arts, it still shocks me how we all secretly share this sentiment but no one really talks about it. Maybe that’s why we feel lost and somewhat naked when we forget our cell phones at home or why “you’ve got mail” sends chills up our spines. It validates the fact that somewhere out there, there are people who are just as fucked up as I am, and maybe, just maybe, I can trick one of them to falling in love with me before he finds out that I (insert vice here: i.e. bleach my mustache hairs/slept with his brother or sister or both/am secretly nauseated by the smell of old people). Only to be preoccupied with keeping that secret once I finally have Mr. Perfect(ly fucked up) in my death grip.

Now that I’ve let it slip that I’m a romantic allow me to recount the top three reasons why I will, in fact, end up fat and alone:

1) One of my best friends told me that if I graduate from college without an engagement ring that I might as well give up my vagina for lost (He said this when he was in a relationship with a girl who left his ass after about 3 weeks, and he ended up graduating without “an engagement ring” as well. Hmm…I wonder if his logic applies to penises as well)

2) The day I returned home from college, my mother told me “you really need to start going to the gym again because fat people don’t get married” (It sounded even worse in Spanish)

3) I was set up on a blind date once and I found out that it didn’t work out because the guy “doesn’t like black girls, especially if they’re fat” (but listening to techno and living with your parents is SO COOL)

Ok, kids, now it’s your turn to make your list!

Bridget Jones

Two of my best friends just recently told me that they think I'm just like Bridget Jones. While she's, of course, one of my favorite literary and cinematic characters, I couldn't help but think: WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! Bridget is a fat, man-crazy, neurotic twit who's self-esteem hangs on the possibility that a man, albeit a hot man, will love her hopeless ass.

hmm, maybe I AM Bridget Jones.

WELCOME TO THE YEAR OF JAEL

I'm not really sure what the implications of that are, but I just know that this is THE YEAR that I figure it out, and by december everyone will say, damn! this was Jael's year. it was the year of Jael.

the end

Adrian the Bread

My cousin Adrian once spent a summer with us in the United States. It so happed to be the summer that my brother was going through the "let's rhyme everyone's name phase" (IE Jael the Bell, Jonathan Bonathan) He named cousin, Adrian the pan, but Adrian, because of his love of every thing america, insisted to be called Adrian the Bread. That's how I'll remember him, Adrian the bread.

Thanks to everyone who praid for my family, and sorry to all of you whose phone calls I ignored because I just didn't want to deal with anyone.

I think what I got out of this experience is that I don't get God sometimes, and that makes me angry sometimes, but in the end God is always going to be God, and God is always going to have an answer that makes so much sense that whatever suffering I feel now is going to pale in comparison to his plan.

Until I know what that is, I'll lovingly remember, Adrian the Bread.

PS. The film "The Good Shepard" with Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie was partly shot in the Dominican Republic. Adrian the Bread answered a casting call and got a roll as an extra, as a CIA agent. Check it out, maybe you'll see him.

Jael of Little Faith

Today at work I got a call that my cousin Adrian had died. About 3 weeks ago, Adrian was in a car accident, and had been in a coma ever since. Earlier this week, he finally woke up and was speaking and reacting well. All of a sudden, yesterday he had starting having convulsions and took a turn for the worse. Finally today, I hear news that he died. Well, after hours of just sitting around crying with my family, and in the care of AMAZING people from my church, we got a call from my uncle, that my cousin WASN'T dead. He had little brain activity, but that now it was looking alot better. Through the grapevine it had become that he was brain dead. His doctors in the dominican republic say that the next 24 hours are vital, and we'll see what happens. All of a sudden someone suggested prayer, and the first thing that popped out of my mouth was saying to my sister, "I can't believe they're hanging on to false hope." That's when I realized. I trust God to get me to help me with the GRE's and with Aps and Recs and get me into the right school, but when it comes to the impossible, I'm 'Jael of Little Faith'

So I'm just asking for you guys to pray that for my cousin, and for my faith, whatever the outcome. If there was ever a time for God to prove me wrong, this is it.

jy

postsecret

Why?! Why?! Why?!

yesterday I decided to treat myself for being a monster at the gym and I went to whole food and bought myself a teeny tiney single serving of Keylime pie. IT WAS AMAZING and I , of course, look at the calories on the package before eating it: 160 calories (insignificant). How about today I saw the package and it turned out that I read the wrong line. It was really 160 CALORIES FROM FAT!!! The whole thing is 400 CALORIES!!!! WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?!?!

But you know what, the cleaning lady at the gym, Mirtha, knows my name, I think that's saying something.

Christmas Present to Jael

Hi guys,
For Christmas for me, all I want you guys to do is follow this link

http://freemacbookpro.com/index.php?referral=635626

and complete 1 offer. That's it! This way I can get a macbook. Offers are pretty cool and cheap, usually, you only pay for shipping and handling, like $6-7 bucks, this is all I want for Christmas!

Thanks guys, I love you.

(P.S. If you want me to do the same for you, I totally will!)

I hate Holiday

The greeting card and retail business came up with this other holiday that starts the week before thanksgiving (when the radio stations start playing holiday music, which is AWESOME!) and ends the day after new years… And it’s called (fanfare), Holiday, because no one can seem to bring themselves to actually say Christ. But that’s not my beef, so feel free to join in the gift-giving Non-Christians, it’s all good. My beef is, that Holiday come RIGHT before a potential tax refund, and RIGHT before all those great after-holiday sales. So you’re either forced to sell your first born child’s ovaries to a barren socialite to pay for all those expensive presents or sweat it out at 5 in the morning on the day after thanksgiving with 500 other idiots.

Therefore due to lack of fund, I decided to start knitting (last week) so that, instead of spending loads of cash on actual presents, I would make them scarves and little cards that say, “A donation has been made in your name to the Saint Jude foundation.” Which is not entirely false, because at CVS you can buy little paper balloons for a dollar on which you can write the name of a loved-one and have it taped in the stores’ window and I was planning on buying one for each family member, and all the money ACTUALLY goes to St. Judes, but I digress. So far, in a week. I’ve managed to make a hairband, which could actually become a fashion statement, if I don’t say so myself.

If that wasn’t bad enough there’s the realization that Holiday is actually for lovers. Case in point, last Holiday my family decided that we would each get presents for the kids, as usual, but that the adults would do Secret Santa. While my gift was awesome, everyone but me had an extra gift from their significant other, and me, being the only single person left in the world, I only got 1 gift. I certainly don’t wish to be married at this point in my life, but a girl could use an extra present on Holiday, (and a little tap, just a little one).

HAPPY HOLIDAY EVERYONE!

Lt. Ehren Watada...AMAZING MAN...check out the website...be angry

www.thankyoult.org

Amazing day!

Dietwise- AMAZING DAY!

Workoutwise- AMAZING DAY!

Workwise- AMAZING DAY!

Sometimes, when you're at the gym, you just have to fart.

On Monday Dee gave me a vital piece of advice. If you're sick from your chest up (ie. a runny nose, cough) you CAN work out, If you're sick below your chest (corre coree, the runs) DO NOT WORK OUT. That really bursted my bubble beacuse I had used my little cough as an excuse not to even look in the direction to the gym this week. So FINE, this morning I woke up at 4:40, woke my sister up, so that we could be at the gym by 5. Well, I now understand the "below the chest" thing, because about 20 minutes into my work out, my stomach made a noise I had never heard it make before. I recognized it as a STRONG urge to fart. But how could I? There were about 20, not so happy, sleep deprived people around me, how dare I contaminate their workout air, they were losing so much air already. Well, my stomach spoke to me again, and it was mad as hell. It said, "Jael, either you let the fart out on your own terms or I will push it out for you. ERGO: this is how you let out a fart at the gym.

1. On whatever machine you're on, SLOW DOWN YOUR PACE. It's a scientific fact that the speed of the fart is directly related to the speed in which you are working out. So, do yourself a favor, don't worry that those around you will think you're weak for slowing down, slow down to warm up/cool down speed!
2. Gently cough and release between 20 and 25% of the gas within you. Remember, this will be slow, but slow equals slient. And if it's silent (even though it might be deadly) you can always blame it on someone else.
3. Repeat step 2 three to four more times, or until all of the gas is out of your stomach.
4. Look at the person on the machine next to you as if they had just said that the holocaust was a hoax. This way, those around you will think that this person is responsible for the new rancid smell. (*Note: the “you smelt it you dealt it” rule still applies here, so this may backfire on you. Use with caution.)

I hope that this tutorial has been helpful. Questions and comments are welcome.

best quote EVER

I saw this quotes on myspace somewhere....

"I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk" HAHAHAHAHA

now I'm just blogging for the sake of blogging

I've been doing really well... I'm on my way to the gym now. I have no time because of GRE studying and it's sabado joven this weekend.


alright, I love you all. Except those of you I hate.

Pa' fuera telaranas!

Dear Bitches,
Sorry. I haven't posted in a while....

Have you ever worked out angry at the world? well I recommend it! I burned off 1,000 calories at the gym in less than an hour and a half, my day was that bad. Today, I discovered that I have about $1000 less in my bank account than I thought I did (that's a significant chunk of change), instead of running to a pint of haggen daas, as per usual, I ran to the gym, because Dee told me to get my fat, lazy ass to the gym or I was going to DIE! (check out my myspace, I told you she'd be an asset).

Back to being angry at the world-- I now understand that there are things that I can't control. (plenty of things) but there are other things that I can... one of those being whether to sit in my room wallowing in my own self pity, or going to the gym and kicking ass. I choose the latter. I've let myself boldly go where no jael has gone before, I am freaking hot, (somewhere inside this mess) and I freaking deserve better than I'm giving myself. If I sound militant, IT BECAUSE I AM!

I also have a new theme song, and here are the lyrics.

Ella by Bebe

Ella sa cansao de tirar la toalla
se va quitando poco a poco telarañas
No ha dormido esta noche pero no esta cansada
no miro ningún espejo pero se siente to’ guapa
Hoy ella sa puesto color en las pestañas
hoy le gusta su sonrisa, no se siente una extraña
hoy sueña lo que quiere sin preocuparse por nada
hoy es una mujé que se da cuenta de su alma

CORO: Hoy vas a descubrir que el mundo es solo para ti
que nadie puede hacerte daño, nadie puede hacerte daño
Hoy vas a comprender que el miedo se puede romper con un solo portazo.
Hoy vas a hacer reir porque tus ojos se han cansado de ser llanto, de ser llanto
Hoy vas a conseguir reirte hasta de ti y ver que lo has logrado...

Hoy vas a ser la mujé que te dé la gana de ser
Hoy te vas a querer como nadie ta sabio queré
Hoy vas a mirar pa’lante que pa atrás ya te dolio bastante
Una mujé valiente, una mujé sonriente mira como pasa
Hoy nacio la mujé perfecta que esperaban ha roto sin pudores, las reglas marcadas
Hoy a calzado tacones para hacer sonar sus pasos
Hoy sabe que su vida nunca mas será un fracaso
(Coro again)

Bitches, I am empowered! As such, I choose not to take my measurement. It might bring me down.

JY