Friday, August 25, 2006

Fell off the wagon...

Last night I had a coffee colonic. No it's not the delicious drink from Dunkin Donuts. It it pure nazi-level toture. You are asked to lay down on the board laid out between the toilet and a chair, you are then directed to lime a slim cylindric instrument (oiled, of course) into you...ass... and are pumped with gallons of mysterious dark liquid. Now I knew that things could come out of there, but in? That's just unnatural! Then I proceded to...evacuate what I believe could be the solution to this nation's oil deficit. I think I've chosen to black out the proceding of the next hour, not eve listening to Nelly Furtado could cure me. But I emerge, as does the pheonix, a NEW WOMAN!!!! My tummy was flat! My cheeks rouged! I was in HEAVEN!!!! This morning I woke with a new bounce in my step... I must've lost 5, 10 lbs! As I got on the scale, I set it at 200, (I was optimistic, yet cautious) The bar went straight to the bottom. HURRAH HURRAH!!! I have broken the barrier!!! In the 200 NO MORE!!! With a grin, I slide the weight to where it says 150, and play around with the little weight, 199, the bar shoots up. WHAT?! WHAT HAVE I DONE?! But 200 was still too much. I decided to compromise. 199.5 a perfect balance. I was a little dissapointed. After having relesed fertalizer for an hour straight the night before, I was sure I had lost more than 1.5 lbs.

That dissapointment, plus stress at work caused me to have a turkey grinder for lunch, after already having eaten my sensible brakfast. So I fell off the wagon one me. Who care?! Beyonce would pick herself right back up and that's what I'm going to do. LONG LIVE THE LIMONADA!! I will continue... 4 days and 7.5lbs lighter, it can't get no better!

PS I heard that Janet Jackson would have coffee colonics when she was trying to lose weight. Maybe I misjugded it. ok, just 1 more time.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

I don't think you're ready for this jelly

I recently heard that Beyonce lost 20lbs in 10 days on a lemonade diet/cleansefor her recent roll in some movie.
Here's how it works...
Special Lemonade:
1 cup water
2 tablespoons of lemonade
1 tablespoon of maple syrup
1/10 table spoon of Cheyenne pepper

That's it. That's all you have all day everyday for 10 days.

Supporters claim that it detoxes your system, or some junk, and blah blah blah blah.

Here's how i think it really works, you're having basically 0 calories. Yet, you're boosting your metabolism with the cheyanne pepper, spiking up your blood sugar with the maple syrup, all with a delicious lemony flavor.

But who gives a crap. If I lose weight fast, keep it coming.

So I decided to try it beginning with lunch on Monday August 21, 2006-- I had had a muffin and a mimosa for breakfast (it was to benefit a food pantry in providence, ri--so it was for a good cause. Then comensed my diet. Well, 24 hrs later. I was 2lbs lighter. On wednesday I had lost another lbs and today another 2. That's a total of 5 lbs from Moday- Thursday. I think that my secret is that i've chosen to modify the diet

In the morning I have a sensible breakfast: about 500 calories (to keep up my metabolism, and give me energy to work out)

For example, this morning I did about 20 minutes of strenght training, then I had 2 hard boiled eggs, 1 1/2 cups of special K and 1 cup soy milk. Then drink drink drink. After work I went on the efx for 50 minutes and burned a total of 710 calories.

I feel like I wish I could chew something-- but other than that it works out great! There are some who might say that this is incredible unhealthy: but so is putting anorexic models on fashion magazine covers, so i'm just buying into the hype, like a good Young Urban Professional should

The fact of the matter is, on monday I weight 206lbs (yes, 206 lbs at 5'6") and today I weight 201. Long live LEMONADE!!!