Upon careful research and consideration…(please tell me if I’m wrong here, because I might just be projecting)… I find that at least 99% of the human population, even the most stable ones, (and I’m sure they exist) have the same biggest fear: ending up alone and fat. While I happen to have mastered both these arts, it still shocks me how we all secretly share this sentiment but no one really talks about it. Maybe that’s why we feel lost and somewhat naked when we forget our cell phones at home or why “you’ve got mail” sends chills up our spines. It validates the fact that somewhere out there, there are people who are just as fucked up as I am, and maybe, just maybe, I can trick one of them to falling in love with me before he finds out that I (insert vice here: i.e. bleach my mustache hairs/slept with his brother or sister or both/am secretly nauseated by the smell of old people). Only to be preoccupied with keeping that secret once I finally have Mr. Perfect(ly fucked up) in my death grip.
Now that I’ve let it slip that I’m a romantic allow me to recount the top three reasons why I will, in fact, end up fat and alone:
1) One of my best friends told me that if I graduate from college without an engagement ring that I might as well give up my vagina for lost (He said this when he was in a relationship with a girl who left his ass after about 3 weeks, and he ended up graduating without “an engagement ring” as well. Hmm…I wonder if his logic applies to penises as well)
2) The day I returned home from college, my mother told me “you really need to start going to the gym again because fat people don’t get married” (It sounded even worse in Spanish)
3) I was set up on a blind date once and I found out that it didn’t work out because the guy “doesn’t like black girls, especially if they’re fat” (but listening to techno and living with your parents is SO COOL)
Ok, kids, now it’s your turn to make your list!