Teacher, do you like ice cream

I hate my schedule this term. I start at 7am in the morning, and end at 9:10pm (with a rediculously long break in between). I'm expected to be happy and cheerful this entire time (bitches). However, God has granted me an awesome 8:10 class. They are all really funny and energetic which gets me through that difficult final hour.

There are three students in particular: Jack, Danny and Son. Danny is a 20 year old college student and the class clown. Jack is an office worker in his late 20/early 30s, who should really know better and Son is their shy and quiet friend, who should really find a better crowd to hang out with.

For some reason, the first two get their kicks by reminding me that they are single (there's also this perception here that black girls are uber sexual, where would they get that idea)while poor Son just blushes and smiles. Their comments are funny at first, but then usually get old and annoying, so I pretend that I don't hear them.

But I couldn't ignore this one.

Danny: Teacher, do you like ice cream?
me: Yes, Danny, I love ice cream.
Danny: Well, he's chocolate, I'm strawberry and he's vanilla. Pick a flavor.
Jack: This is an important question, so we would really appreciate an answer.
Son: (Blushes and smiles)

I couldn't hate. That was really clever for level 1

I'm SOOO official it's not even funny

I kind of had this fantasy that being a missionary in Korea would some how automatically make me thin. Like, I'd just lose 30 lbs without even trying. I mean look at Day and Ellen. Well, what those bitches forgot to mention is that they work their asses off at the gym. We all know day can get down on a treadmill, and Ellen's significant other is a personal trainer. But silly me thought I could have all the rich and kim that my heart desired (then take a nap) and when I woke up the lbs would just be gone. Well that wasn't true. Boy was my face red.

So, in august, I decided to get a gym membership, EXPENSIVE AS HELL!!! $45 for the month- you think that would make me go? NOPE. In the entire month of august I went 3 time. That's $15 a visit. So, september, I turned over a new leaf. No more of this being fat shit. I'm doing a sort of biggest loser competition with 2 teachers from school. And let me tell you, i'm winning. I'm low carb (which is hard to pull off in Korea) I've been going to the gym every afternoon. And on wednesday Jin, the gym guy said "Hi, Jael, nice to see you again!" That mean I'm an official gym rat if the owner of the gym knows my name. I'm so offical it's not even funny (hence the title).

And, according to Day, my breasts have reduced in size, which is a good sign, cause I've already lost 2 kilos (which is 4.4 lbs) HURRAH FOR THE OFFICIAL GYM RAT!!!!

Teacher, are you in love? POP POP POP

If you don't know about South Korea in the summer time. Let me school you. It's humid. Really really humid. Meaning, you walk out of the shower and dry yourself off and three seconds later you're wet. (with sweat, for those of you who didn't understand). Consequently, the second I stepped off the airplane, my forehead decided to revolt.

Jael's forehead: What?! You didn't tell me the weather was going to be like this! You bitch, I tought we had an understanding that you needed pre-approval before coming to a place like. That's it! You asked for it! Come on guys! Do your thing!

1000 pimple army: YAY!

But that's not the point of this blog. The following conversation is:

Sylvia: Teacher! Are you in love?
Jael: No, Sylvia, I don't think so. Why?
Sylvia: Your temple. (gets uncomfortably close to Jael's forehead) pop, pop, pop.
Jael: (Backing away) They're called pimples, Sylvia. Sit down, please. We have to start.
Sylvia: In Korea, they say that when you fall in love your hormones change. (gets closer) And teacher, you're temple, pop, pop, pop.
Jael: Thank you, Sylvia. Sit down.

I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!!!!

Are you wearing your mother's panties?

(Sexy)Sean is one of my favorite boys in TIC (Total immersion course at the language school I teach at-- he basically stays at the school from 9-5:30 every day learning english). He's really smart, loves everything about the english language and is kinda a big brother to everyone in the group.

Here's a recent conversation I had with him...

(Jael walks into the room wearing a dress)

Sean: Wow, Jael, you look beautiful today! Why are you wearing a dress?
Jael: Oh, I haven't done laundry in a while and all I have left is really fancy stuff
Sean: (huge smile on face) so... are you... wearing your mother's panties?
Jael: Excuse me?!
Sean: Are you... wearing... you're mother's panties (looks at Jael like she's an idiot)
Jael: Why are you asking me that?!
Sean: Because I saw friends yesterday and Rachel says she wears her mother's panties when she doesn't do laundry. So... are you wearing your mother's panties?
Jael: OH!! It's granny panties! And you're not allowed to ask me that!
Sean: (realizes what he just said, and blushes)

Letter

Dear Jael,
When you win the Oscar for best original screenplay you will thank me...

For you Mother:
"Honestly Jael, you should really hurry up and have children young. Then you can gain even more weight and have gastric bypass surgery!"

For your best guy friend:
(On the phone with the girl he's not dating, but 'talking to', and who you suspect he's fucking)
"What? Why are you jealous? I'm just with Jael... BELIEVE ME, you have NOTHING to worry about!"

For your boss:
"Oh it was TODAY you were going to leave early? Can you just quickly fix these for tomorrow's conference call. THANKS you're the BEST!"

For your brother:
"oh, you're really going to wear that? Alright then, you do you."

Love Always,
GOD

P.S. You should really call me more often ;)

Why I have friends...

because they make it ok to be me. read this

Yo soy (insert name here), la fea

Jassi Jaissi Koi Nahin
Esti Ha'mechoeret
Verlibt in Berlin
Ne Rodis' Krasivoy
La Fea mas Bella
Lotte
Yo Soy Bea
Ugly betty
Maria, I Asximi

What do all these have in common? They are the remake of Columbian telenovela, Yo soy Betty, la fea which ran succesfully from 1999-2000 to rave reviews from both critics and viewer. Despite the obvious differences in cultural nuances, these 9, count them, there are 9, remakes have essentially the same storyline: An intelligent, yet socially challengened and physically unattractive young woman, in her early to late twneties (depending on the series) has trouble finding a job because, despite her outstanding curriculum vitae, she fails to impress any potential employer because of her looks (or lack thereof) She eventually finds employment in the most unlikliest of places, be it at a fashion magazine, a modeling agency or a posh advertising firm (again, this is dependant on the series.)
Typically, she is placed as the secretary of a young urban, very attractive professional, with an equally attractive girlfriend (who, through creative camera angles and menacing music, we are quickly informed will be the romantic rival of our Betty...or Maria... or Lotte or whatever)
While first disgusted by her looks, her boss eventually learns to appreciate her work ethic, kind heart and loyalty to him. But he also possesses a sinister side, one capable of making her believe that he loves her to get something out of her (money, loyalty, etc). While unaware of his plans, our heroine is on cloud 9, and we're right up there with her. He loves her. He HAS to.
But all of a sudden she finds out that the dream she had been living is all a lie. Her heart breaks and ours does for her. He never really loved her, he was only using her. Suddenly, our girl, who was made to feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, realizes how ugly she really is.
Why is it that in at least 9 different countries with 9 different cultures the same storyline seems to hit some sort of chord that translates into the series being an instant hit? The answer is obvious- because we all love a Cinderella story. Except that we secretly resent the fact that Cinderella does not have upperlip hair, a unibrow and severe myopia. OF COURSE the prince would fall in love with her floor-scrubbing ass. She's Cinderella! The fairest of them all! but what about the rest of us who can't be Cinderella cause we wear size nine shoes? What about the 73% of us that wear a size 14 or above and can't find ways to measure up?

I say to all you Betty's, Maria's, Jassi's, Lisa's, Lotte's, Letti's, Bea's, etc. Keep your heads up:

Eventually, our sinister young urban, very attractive professional, with an equally attractive girlfriend realizes that he really IS in love with our girl, (BEFORE she gets the makeover, no less). But she, being the kick ass heroine that she is gets the makeover anyway, just so she can fuck with his head. Until finally, in the last 3 episodes, she lets him out of his misery.


AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER

(now enjoy the lovely montage of all the versions, set, of course, to Britney Spears)

oh f*ck!

amazing

I'm buying into this Bridget Jones thing...let me tell you why

Upon careful research and consideration…(please tell me if I’m wrong here, because I might just be projecting)… I find that at least 99% of the human population, even the most stable ones, (and I’m sure they exist) have the same biggest fear: ending up alone and fat. While I happen to have mastered both these arts, it still shocks me how we all secretly share this sentiment but no one really talks about it. Maybe that’s why we feel lost and somewhat naked when we forget our cell phones at home or why “you’ve got mail” sends chills up our spines. It validates the fact that somewhere out there, there are people who are just as fucked up as I am, and maybe, just maybe, I can trick one of them to falling in love with me before he finds out that I (insert vice here: i.e. bleach my mustache hairs/slept with his brother or sister or both/am secretly nauseated by the smell of old people). Only to be preoccupied with keeping that secret once I finally have Mr. Perfect(ly fucked up) in my death grip.

Now that I’ve let it slip that I’m a romantic allow me to recount the top three reasons why I will, in fact, end up fat and alone:

1) One of my best friends told me that if I graduate from college without an engagement ring that I might as well give up my vagina for lost (He said this when he was in a relationship with a girl who left his ass after about 3 weeks, and he ended up graduating without “an engagement ring” as well. Hmm…I wonder if his logic applies to penises as well)

2) The day I returned home from college, my mother told me “you really need to start going to the gym again because fat people don’t get married” (It sounded even worse in Spanish)

3) I was set up on a blind date once and I found out that it didn’t work out because the guy “doesn’t like black girls, especially if they’re fat” (but listening to techno and living with your parents is SO COOL)

Ok, kids, now it’s your turn to make your list!

Bridget Jones

Two of my best friends just recently told me that they think I'm just like Bridget Jones. While she's, of course, one of my favorite literary and cinematic characters, I couldn't help but think: WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! Bridget is a fat, man-crazy, neurotic twit who's self-esteem hangs on the possibility that a man, albeit a hot man, will love her hopeless ass.

hmm, maybe I AM Bridget Jones.

WELCOME TO THE YEAR OF JAEL

I'm not really sure what the implications of that are, but I just know that this is THE YEAR that I figure it out, and by december everyone will say, damn! this was Jael's year. it was the year of Jael.

the end

Adrian the Bread

My cousin Adrian once spent a summer with us in the United States. It so happed to be the summer that my brother was going through the "let's rhyme everyone's name phase" (IE Jael the Bell, Jonathan Bonathan) He named cousin, Adrian the pan, but Adrian, because of his love of every thing america, insisted to be called Adrian the Bread. That's how I'll remember him, Adrian the bread.

Thanks to everyone who praid for my family, and sorry to all of you whose phone calls I ignored because I just didn't want to deal with anyone.

I think what I got out of this experience is that I don't get God sometimes, and that makes me angry sometimes, but in the end God is always going to be God, and God is always going to have an answer that makes so much sense that whatever suffering I feel now is going to pale in comparison to his plan.

Until I know what that is, I'll lovingly remember, Adrian the Bread.

PS. The film "The Good Shepard" with Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie was partly shot in the Dominican Republic. Adrian the Bread answered a casting call and got a roll as an extra, as a CIA agent. Check it out, maybe you'll see him.

Jael of Little Faith

Today at work I got a call that my cousin Adrian had died. About 3 weeks ago, Adrian was in a car accident, and had been in a coma ever since. Earlier this week, he finally woke up and was speaking and reacting well. All of a sudden, yesterday he had starting having convulsions and took a turn for the worse. Finally today, I hear news that he died. Well, after hours of just sitting around crying with my family, and in the care of AMAZING people from my church, we got a call from my uncle, that my cousin WASN'T dead. He had little brain activity, but that now it was looking alot better. Through the grapevine it had become that he was brain dead. His doctors in the dominican republic say that the next 24 hours are vital, and we'll see what happens. All of a sudden someone suggested prayer, and the first thing that popped out of my mouth was saying to my sister, "I can't believe they're hanging on to false hope." That's when I realized. I trust God to get me to help me with the GRE's and with Aps and Recs and get me into the right school, but when it comes to the impossible, I'm 'Jael of Little Faith'

So I'm just asking for you guys to pray that for my cousin, and for my faith, whatever the outcome. If there was ever a time for God to prove me wrong, this is it.

jy

postsecret

Why?! Why?! Why?!

yesterday I decided to treat myself for being a monster at the gym and I went to whole food and bought myself a teeny tiney single serving of Keylime pie. IT WAS AMAZING and I , of course, look at the calories on the package before eating it: 160 calories (insignificant). How about today I saw the package and it turned out that I read the wrong line. It was really 160 CALORIES FROM FAT!!! The whole thing is 400 CALORIES!!!! WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?!?!

But you know what, the cleaning lady at the gym, Mirtha, knows my name, I think that's saying something.

Christmas Present to Jael

Hi guys,
For Christmas for me, all I want you guys to do is follow this link

http://freemacbookpro.com/index.php?referral=635626

and complete 1 offer. That's it! This way I can get a macbook. Offers are pretty cool and cheap, usually, you only pay for shipping and handling, like $6-7 bucks, this is all I want for Christmas!

Thanks guys, I love you.

(P.S. If you want me to do the same for you, I totally will!)

I hate Holiday

The greeting card and retail business came up with this other holiday that starts the week before thanksgiving (when the radio stations start playing holiday music, which is AWESOME!) and ends the day after new years… And it’s called (fanfare), Holiday, because no one can seem to bring themselves to actually say Christ. But that’s not my beef, so feel free to join in the gift-giving Non-Christians, it’s all good. My beef is, that Holiday come RIGHT before a potential tax refund, and RIGHT before all those great after-holiday sales. So you’re either forced to sell your first born child’s ovaries to a barren socialite to pay for all those expensive presents or sweat it out at 5 in the morning on the day after thanksgiving with 500 other idiots.

Therefore due to lack of fund, I decided to start knitting (last week) so that, instead of spending loads of cash on actual presents, I would make them scarves and little cards that say, “A donation has been made in your name to the Saint Jude foundation.” Which is not entirely false, because at CVS you can buy little paper balloons for a dollar on which you can write the name of a loved-one and have it taped in the stores’ window and I was planning on buying one for each family member, and all the money ACTUALLY goes to St. Judes, but I digress. So far, in a week. I’ve managed to make a hairband, which could actually become a fashion statement, if I don’t say so myself.

If that wasn’t bad enough there’s the realization that Holiday is actually for lovers. Case in point, last Holiday my family decided that we would each get presents for the kids, as usual, but that the adults would do Secret Santa. While my gift was awesome, everyone but me had an extra gift from their significant other, and me, being the only single person left in the world, I only got 1 gift. I certainly don’t wish to be married at this point in my life, but a girl could use an extra present on Holiday, (and a little tap, just a little one).

HAPPY HOLIDAY EVERYONE!

Lt. Ehren Watada...AMAZING MAN...check out the website...be angry

www.thankyoult.org

Amazing day!

Dietwise- AMAZING DAY!

Workoutwise- AMAZING DAY!

Workwise- AMAZING DAY!